I know how this must look.
This is by far the worst day of my life.
Everything sucks. Jake says he’s done. I woke up in jail. My life is hell.
My friends were all I had,
and I trusted them with everything, I believe them to be there for me. But they have all turned their back, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Maybe I’ll die soon, like in a some obscure accident. I hope so, honestly. I’m so selfish. I want to die so people will miss me. Because right now nobody even talks to me anymore. I’m on rocky terms with everybody. I feel like everybody’s been talking about how horrible of a person I am. I can’t believe I was so fake and didn’t even realize it. I talked shit on...
I'm a shitty friend.
Every person I surround myself around I know little shit about that they’re ashamed of. I was always that person that listened to everybody’s sob story and now when I’m around them that’s all I think about. I constantly think bad thoughts about my “friends”. Now I just want to stop being around them.
I’ve never tried to hurt myself intentionally, but if I went to far, I know I wouldn’t have cared.
I don't like bad significant others.
I’ve figured it all out. Every single guy I talk to doesn’t cheat on me but he talks to other girls like I don’t exist. I can’t hold anyone’s attention. This might not make any sense, but it makes sense to me. I don’t know. I think Dyl is still with me because I do his homework, steal shit for him, drive him around, and buy him all kinds of stuff. I NEED...
I am a last resort.
For all of my friends. Nobody ever calls me to hang out, I call them. Sometimes, well… most of the times, they don’t answer. I have no real friends. I have no one to talk to anymore.
I haven't posted much lately.
A lot of stuff has happened. I’ve been seeing a therapist, she’s nice, quiet. She hypnotized me, or tired. She said I didn’t reveal much. She said that means my preconscious notions are scared of being found, or something like that. I was diagnosed. And I’m kind of scared. Psychosis: Psychosis is a loss of contact with reality, usually including false beliefs about what...
I hate that we barely talk now.
When we use to talk every single day. I hope you read this. Maybe you’ll stumble across it one day. I hope so.
I don’t really know why. Probably because I have nothing to do.
Another person I know died.
That’s 15 now.
I had my first anxiety attack last night.
I didn’t even realize it until hours later I just knew something was horribly wrong. What a fucked up day yesterday was.
I wish I was home more often.
I love me time. I’ve been staying at Dylan’s a lot lately. But I like staying with him.
I changed back into the person I swore I'd never...
Things are complicated but I’m just rolling with the punches… AKA I just don’t give a fuck.
My name is Olivia.
I’m seventeen. I work full time at Steak N Shake. I graduated early. I have little to no social life. Things use to be different. Things change. I have a boyfriend, his name is Dylan. I hope things work out and he’s not just another “fling”. I seem to be having a lot of those as of late. I live in the heart of Missouri. I use to never be in the town I reside in, now...
I like making to do lists.
Although I rarely follow them. I know a lot of people that don’t follow this “diary” (or whatever you want to call it) but I also know that a lot of people look at it via hit counter. Which is weird, to me. I mean, these are my thoughts and rants. Sometimes I wish I knew who was reading them.
My dad moved out today, again.
I think he’s torn between how much he loves my mother and how much he hates me.
I haven't spoken to Jake in a while. I sent him a...
I figured this would be too long to text so facebook will have to do. I don’t know what you want from me anymore. And there’s a couple of points I want to make to you, and this is just me being completely honest because it is tearing me apart. Yes, I know, I’ve been seeing a lot of guys recently, a lot of guys. They all leave me because I won’t put out, minus Bryan....
I'm starting to actually wake up and
liking the day ahead of me. I’m not dreading it. I’m done with that. Chin up, head high. Fuck that low shit. Fuck that sad shit.
I just want everything to be okay,
and I know that it will be. Finally. I finally know that everything is going to be okay.
Visiting Lexi's grave site today.
I’m going to bring her sunflowers.
Today was nice.
I was happy all on my own. I forgot how this felt. Everything is going to be okay. I just have to remind myself that. Everything’ll will be okay.
I'm tired of trying to explain to people all the...
No, you don’t and will never understand what I have been put through. I am so sick of everybody trying to one up everybody else. Nobody knows half the shit I’ve been through. I’m certainly sure only a select few people will. Not saying that I want people to know, but I need to tell somebody, anybody. I can’t go into detail about anything anymore. I wish I could erase...
I want for everything to be okay.
I just need everything to be okay.
I honestly don't consider myself close to anyone...
And that mostly my fault. I pushed away everybody that cared. I really did. I hardly speak to Jake and when I do it’s brief. I only see him at shows. I call him every now and then but nothing is the same, nothing is like how it use to be. We were best fucking friends. I told him about everything. I fell in love with the kid, in a way. I don’t know how to bring him back into my life...
I'm really good at being broken up with,
I’ve realized this. I don’t make a fuss. I just say “whatever makes you happy” and let him go on his merry way.
So I didn't talk to you all day
in hopes that you would make the first move for a conversation, to see if you were thinking about me, at all. I stopped myself more than five times to say hi. And here I sit, still waiting. This is the story of my life.
I'm tired of telling people that they aren't...
But really, we’re all worthless. Nobody is going to make a difference. Ever. And that’s just how things are. Nobody matters. Nobody is going to fix anything for anybody else. We’re all just worthless human beings, just pieces of shit.
Me and my mom do mother daughter stuff like go...
It’s not really shopping, we just go look at pretty stuff. We look at jewelry the most because we both make our own. We came across engagement rings and it made me think about how “how could anybody possibly like me enough to spend the rest of their life with me?” or make the promise too. I call bullshit. I’m such an awful indecisive manipulative bitch sometimes. I...
I'm tired of the inconsistency.
The only thing in my life that’s consistent is my job. And I absolutely hate my job. My friends aren’t. My “significant others” aren’t. My parents aren’t. My plans aren’t. My feelings aren’t. My emotions aren’t. This constant roller coaster of ups and downs is starting to take it’s toll on me. I just want to start over in some far off...
I hate feeling like you're not good enough,
or questioning if you’re good enough. I want to be proud of who I am, and how I’ve become this way. I want to be happy with every aspect of my life and not look down on myself because I don’t happen to meet the standards of people I think highly of. I mean, fuck them. Fuck everybody that disregards you for unknown reasons. Fuck being disregarded, period. I want to love who I am...
I got extremely drunk last night.
I drank over half a 5th to myself. Of Vodka. And I threw up half my body weight. I complained about Bryan the whole time and threw up all over somebody’s couch. I had heart to hearts with people I don’t even know. Boy: Are you straight? Me: Straight to drive? No? Obviously? Boy: No, like you’re not gay are you? Me: Oh, YUP. I was just stupid and quiet. We all went back to...
I love being drunk because it helps me think without censoring my briainial thoughts, yeah, I don’t know if those are words. I want Bryan. Yeah. I want Bryan.
I know that everything is going to work out,...
I just hate this waiting process. I hate this constant shade of anxiety. I hate waking up too early when I didn’t get enough sleep the night before. I hate thinking about getting hurt by people I care immensely about. I hate being avoided and ignored. I hate when people fall asleep on me. I hate when I think about somebody too much and I know they aren’t thinking about me. I miss my...
I need somebody to be there for me at all times.
and I don’t have that anymore. I use to have best friends that I could confide in about anything but we sort of drifted apart. We’re still close, but not like how we use to be. Life is shit right now and all of my friends think everything is peachy. This whole thing is wearing on me. I really don’t know how long this feeling of hatred can last. My parents keep promising that...
I thought a lot today.
I lead a tragic life. I’m scared of my own thoughts. I act like I’m human with feelings while framing and blaming others to be complete monsters. I’m probably the monster. It may be a disorder, how people think. I mean, what abnormal habit isn’t considered a disorder now-a-days with all sorts of prescription drugs that change you completely? I’m lonely while...
My name is Olivia.
I was born in Washington State. I moved around a lot as a kid. I always said I liked it because I know that’s what my mom wanted to hear. I kind of said it so much I started believing it. We settled in Missouri when I was in middle school. I got bullied a lot. I smoked for the first time when I was twelve. I was really weird, and socially awkward. High school started and I found a...
I met somebody.
I was single for over two years, as single as they come. Then I started having stupid little flings that didn’t mean much, I still have stupid little flings that don’t mean very much. The only person I could ever see myself with for a long period time is Jake, he’s my best friend. I love him unconditionally, as he does me, even though he’s kind of mean to me. But, I met...
I sometimes go through stupid phases.
Where I stop hanging out with my true friends for pieces of shit. This ends now.
I hate baggage.
EVERYBODY has baggage when they reach a certain age. Everybody has that past person or past thing that haunts them. Usually making them stop from moving forward with anybody else. Ex boyfriends Ex girlfriends Lost loved ones Self hatred Drugs Past sexual experiences Etc. Baggage ruins everything.